


What Ifs And Should Have Beens

by flickawhip



Category: BBC Proms RPF, Maestro (TV) RPF
Genre: Child Loss, F/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 01:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5849593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flickawhip/pseuds/flickawhip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU</p><p>Katie loses a child. </p><p>Not Real. </p><p>Warning: HEAVY self-harm references.  Mentions losing a child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Ifs And Should Have Beens

"But what if..."

"John... John, listen to me... whatever happens, she is going to need you. Now go. Be with her. She needs you."

John listens, glad he came to Darcey, he knows she is right, knows his instincts were right, but all the same he is hurting, hating it. He doesn't want to go back to Katie and find her struggling. He wants her happy. They are expecting a baby, soon, but he is so aware he could lose it... she could lose it. They could lose it. He's not sure he could stand it. He goes home, to Katie, and prays, prays that the baby will survive. Prays that Katie will survive. He is just putting the key in the door when he hears her crying out, desperately. He moves inside, glancing around, then notices it. Blood. Not a lot.... but then last time there had been none, just pain. Now she is bleeding. His heart skips several beats even as he calls out. 

"Katie..."

"Kitchen."

He finds her collapsed in on herself, openly weeping and, as the contractions hit, screaming with the pain. 

"Darling, we need to get you to hospital..."

He sounds calm, but he isn't. He's terrified. She screams several times on the way and he lifts her into his arms to get her inside, hating the very real fear clawing at him. 

They take her from him for a while, leave him to wait. Then he is called in. There is no baby, and he knows... horribly fast... it is lost. Katie is pale, no longer crying, just still, glass-eyed and silent. The doctor confirms what he already knows and he nods, pretends he needs to book for the children to stay somewhere, leaves, sobbing as he calls for the one person they can trust. Darcey. 

He is trembling as he waits for her, unable to go back to Katie, unable to stop crying. Then she arrives, her instant warmth making him cry all the harder even as he leans his head onto her shoulder, weeping silently for the child they have lost. Eventually, the tears slow, then stop. They go in together, Darcey moving to, esver so carefully, hug Katie, hating the pain in her eyes. The silence hurts all the more. She should be crying, be grieving. 

They take her home, slowly she begins to cry again, to mourn. John stays with her, pale faced and miserable, his own tears dripping from his cheeks. Katie never once lets him touch her, choosing to turn to Darcey for support. 

It takes months for John to realize he may have lost her... for good this time. 

He is woken by Darcey, shaking him frantically. Katie has not moved from the bed and there is blood... 

He goes instantly, taking in the blood and moving closer, desperately pressing a towel to her arm, begging her to stay, pleading with tears and a rough voice. The ambulance comes quickly. He stays with her, refuses to leave. 

By the time she is released he has cried several times, hating himself for not seeing it coming. 

"Please don't leave me..."

His voice cracks as he speaks. 

"I love you."

She heals, slowly. Comes out of herself, begins to talk, to forgive herself, to move on. 

It is slow, painful work, but slowly they rebuild their lives, the girls come home, Ells instantly hugging her mother, Nash taking her time to trust that her mother was okay enough to hug. 

Darcey does not leave, she stays, helps John look after the kids, takes her time to bring Katie back into the family. 

By the end of the year they are almost back to normal, although Katie still flinches anytime he tries to touch her beyond her back or shoulder. 

He makes himself wait, taking his time. He knows she will come back to him this time. 

Another year begins and, almost as if she can't let go, Katie turns to Darcey for comfort. 

John looks away, hiding his pain. 

Then she comes to him. Alone. Naked. Vulnerable. 

Her body has healed, although she still bares the mark of her attempt to end her life. He reaches, carefully, to pull her to him, kisses her wrist, then the scar, takes his time to love her, every inch of her. 

It is the first time she smiles since the baby died, but it's real. 

His love has not healed her, he knows that... but she is beginning to realize he won't leave. Ever.


End file.
